One of those days, or I should say, moments, happened yesterday. We have public transportation here that is very unreliable. It's been difficult having to rely on the bus since we've been without a car for several months. The dispatcher often "forgets" to tell the bus driver to pick up my son for work, and it gets very aggravating. This particular bus system is through social services, so you'd think that they'd be conscientious in picking people up to go to work. After all, don't they want to help people get to work and keep their jobs?! Well, their actions show they don't.
Fortunately, we got a car recently and won't have to deal with them anymore. I did want to use the bus for the early morning pick ups since I'll be driving my son into work. I prefer to not make the drive cuz if it's early, I wanna go back to sleep! But by the time I get out in the car, I'm wide awake (fortunately - lol), so it's not likely I'll be able to fall back to sleep. Bah, I'm NOT a morning person.
Anyway, yesterday the bus didn't pick my son up. I called the dispatcher - the same one who took my reservation the day before, and he simply said he didn't tell the bus driver. I don't know why; this is a common occurrence, and they never offer any excuses - just that they didn't relay the pick up to the driver. Um...okay.
So the dispatcher wanted to know when my son needed to be to work by; I said 7 am. (This was around 6:20 am). He assured me that a bus would come by and pick my son up at 6:45 or 6:50 at the latest. He assured me that my son would get to work in time. Well...I should know by now not to trust them cuz they're so unreliable!
6:56 rolled by and still no bus, so I called and cancelled it, making sure to tell them how disappointed I was in their service. I also fired off an email, though I was a lot more subdued than I would've been in the past. I really do wish we could support this bus service. Like I said, I would've loved to have used them during the early shifts, but I won't anymore.
At any rate, yeah, I got very frustrated. We went out to the car, but cuz of all the sleeting going on the past couple days, the door was frozen shut. Ugh! I said "I knew I should've cleared out the garage!" so that we could get the car in. My son apologized cuz he had talked me into waiting on clearing out the garage. I sighed heavily, and we went back into the house; he called for the taxi. There was $10 we couldn't afford to piss away.
Anyway, I was far more upset at myself than at my son, and I let him know it, though I was still complaining. Needless to say, I didn't get back to sleep for a long time. Had I just stayed in bed, Tessa (the pup) would NOT have let me sleep, so I get up with my son, feed her, take her out, and wait for his ride. Well, that was the past, and from now on, I'll be driving him in.
After I had a bit of a cat nap, I did my A Course in Miracles daily study and realized...geez, how ridiculously I behaved. Part of my problem - and ACIM states you aren't mad for the reason you think - is because I often don't listen to my own inner voice. I had wanted to get the garage cleared out (it was only moving a table into the house), but I let my son talk me into waiting for a little bit longer. You see, when our family came up here from the south to visit us, they brought a lot of boxes and some furniture. Well, the south has those horrid, nasty creatures called cockroaches, and I didn't want any of them getting into my house. Since I hate cockroaches so much, I really err on the side of caution, especially after seeing one of those two inch long ickies in one of the boxes several weeks after we got said boxes! Ugh. So I figured there might be some still in some of the stuff and maybe they laid eggs in my table, and I wanted to make sure those ickies were dead from lots of freezing temps.
So we waited...and we shouldn't have.
And that's why I was really mad. Not at my son for talking me into waiting, but for myself for not listening to own inner voice.
Granted, my son gives lots of great advice - really super awesome...wow-you're-so-wise-for-you-age kind of advice. But the advice to wait was borne out of fear - my fear of cockroaches. He was only trying to protect me and my fear of those icky things, whereas my wanting to clear the garage out and getting the car in was borne of common sense. So when I have choices to make, I'll make the choice that isn't fear based from now on. And, of course, I'll listen more to my intuition. :)
As it so happened, as I was realizing all of this, my son called me during his break to apologize. Again, I had to assure him it wasn't him, and I explained my epiphany. The poor thing still has a life time of me always being hard on myself due to how I was raised, so he's kind of like that on himself. Fortunately, he's getting much better at letting himself off the hook, as a I am. But there are those moments...
The wheels on the bus go fuck, fuck you fuck, fuck you fuck, fuck you
The wheels on the bus go fuck, fuck you We won't pick you up. Toot, toot!